For anyone who is interested, I have been told that orders for the “Kelleys in Kenya” t-shirt must be placed by June 30th. Thank you to everyone who has supported us in this way and thank you to our family for organizing and arranging this.

The past week has been a busy one. Last weekend we had orientation with World Gospel Mission. We learned more about the organization and it’s history along with information about Kenyan culture.

After orientation we walked to the waterfall. The heavy rains that occurred while we were in the U.S. transformed the tranquil flow of water into a raging display of God’s power (albeit on an incredibly small scale…but still very impressive).

Love the rainbows we saw at the falls

The beginning of the week was filled with some much-needed family time. Steph and I finally finished unpacking and reorganizing the house, which allowed us to have time to just play with the kids. Stories were read, games were played, and memories were made. (Huge thank you to my colleagues for letting me have this extra time at home!!) As difficult as it is, we have started to establish a new normal as a family of five. It remains a difficult adjustment though.  On mornings when I make breakfast, I still have to remind myself that I only need to prepare five place settings instead of six…and it still makes my heart ache every time.

Steph, the boys, and I continue to miss Hannah and process things in our own ways. Prior to her becoming sick, we had made window art with paint that we brought from the states. We had used it all up before we were able to decorate Hannah’s room. When we returned to Tenwek we had a fresh supply so I used some of my free time to brighten her room up. Noah also wanted to help decorate sissy’s window so he made a princess with blonde flowing hair. Seeing the window art makes it a little easier to walk into her empty room. Steph has continued to work on Hannah’s scrapbook as a means of therapy (and it’s turning out great). Jacob and Levi still love to just sit and look at pictures of baby sissy on my phone or on the computer. I love hearing them talk about her.

Decorations in Hannah’s room

The boys love the “Hannah bird”

Noah’s princess decoration for Hannah’s room

Wednesday was my first day stepping back into casualty since the night when Hannah was there. We thought it would be best if I just went for a short visit first without having to actually work. While it was great seeing my friends and co-workers, it was difficult being back. Each time when Hannah was a patient, she was in the same bed. I remember holding her as she drank her juice and as she slept. She was always such a cuddle bug.  Miss my Hannah banana cuddles.

On Wednesday afternoon, Steph and I did a video interview, which may be used by SP at some point in the future. Initially questions revolved around our call to medicine and to missions. Later I talked about Hannah’s last hours on earth. While we have talked about this many times since her death, this time was much more difficult than it had been before. The same videographer who filmed the interview was also present in the ICU the morning after Hannah required resuscitation. He gave us copies of the images that he captured that morning. Those photographs, while difficult to see, are such a blessing as they so clearly demonstrate the love and care that was provided to both Hannah and our family. Having these pictures is just one more way in which God has shown us favor throughout this trial.

This was just after the CT was completed showing the tumor

Preparing Hannah for transport to Kijabe

Yesterday was my first day working clinically. I was able to stay home in the morning and only go in for the afternoon. Being back was tough. Obviously I expected it to be difficult being back in casualty but I was caught off guard when I walked over to the radiology suite. Steph and I had spent quite a while there as we had done studies with Hannah the morning after her first NG tube was pulled. She had done so well with drinking the contrast and cooperating for the images. All of those memories came flooding back as I waited to speak with one of our visiting radiologists.  Today was much the same.  I am thankful that I was allowed to only work a half day for my first days back because although I was only there for a few hours, it was absolutely exhausting emotionally and physically. Overall it was good to dust off my stethoscope and return to patient care though.  And I know that, with time, the painful memories will fade.  (For those of you that enjoy the medical “stuff” that I post, I promise that I will start that again soon.  I don’t have a lot of stories of pictures this time around but I will tell you that today ended with a motorbike accident in which we received five patients [all on the same bike].  Three adults and two babies were brought in for evaluation.  Thankfully the babies suffered no injuries but both mothers had open extremity fractures.  Each had impressive tib-fib fractures as well as femur fractures.)

Upon returning home on each day, I again was struck with a feeling of loss. Every day when I would walk through the door after work a couple things would happen. First the boys would either yell “hi” to me (if they were outside) or they would run over to me and give me big hugs. This still happened both days…and I loved it. The second thing that would happen is that Hannah would be quickly crawling behind her big brothers and when she got to me she would lift her little arms up in the air so that she I could pick her up and hold her. Most days she would just nestle her head in my neck and give me a hug to welcome me home. That didn’t happen…and I miss it so badly.

As I look back over the events of the last week, I realize many things.  I am still so blessed.  I have three amazing boys, a loving wife, incredible friends and family, and a God that (even though I don’t deserve it) loves me enough to have His own son die in my place.  I live in a beautiful country and I get to take care of people that are fantastic.  Although Hannah went home far too soon (at least in my opinion), I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will get to see her again.  In fact, every week that passes brings me one week closer to seeing her again. Even more importantly, every week that passes brings me one week closer to going to my forever home.  And on that day, I will get to see face to face the one who died to give me that privilege.  One week closer…

Levi keeps us laughing…all the time

Hannah’s toys continue to get a lot of use

Levi loving on Hannah’s doll baby

How many kids can watch a movie on a portable DVD player? Apparently a lot.

Power outage provides a chance for fun with glow sticks and a dinner by candle light

Morning excitement…two birds in the kitchen

Our new pet chameleon

It doesn’t seem possible that it has been a week since we arrived back in Kenya. The week has been a whirlwind of activity as well as a rollercoaster of emotions. While we were all excited to return to Tenwek, we knew that it would be far more difficult than when we first left the states in January. The realization of this difficulty really hit Steph and me as the engines of our first flight roared to life and as we sped down the runway. Tears were shed as we began the long journey home.

Levi enjoying his inflight beverage.

In flight entertainment came in many forms, but mostly in the form of three young Kelley boys. Toys, Lego sticker books, movies and food helped us all to pass the time of our three flights. We received favor throughout our entire trip and, upon arrival in Nairobi, were able to breeze through customs and baggage claim. Yay!! Like we did in January, we spent our first several days at the Mennonite Guest House. The boys immediately recalled all of the fun activities that the open yard and trees had to offer. This fun only increased as several of their friends from Tenwek arrived. On Saturday, we were able to join the Roberts and go to both the elephant orphanage and the giraffe park. As if seeing baby elephants and feeding giraffes didn’t provide enough excitement, a horse came by the Mennonite House that day as well and all the boys were able to take a ride around the grounds.

View of the valley as we came down the mountain.

This is what we saw as we walked back into our home.

Sunday was the day that we had been both looking forward to and dreading for several weeks. After loading up our luggage (it all made it to Kenya with only a few items broken!) we began the trip from Nairobi to Bomet. The weather seemed to almost perfectly mirror what we were feeling. Dark, dreary skies releasing a mist of rain would, on occasion, give way to pockets of sunshine. The skies would then darken again and heavy rain would drench everything in sight. As the kilometers passed and we drew closer to Tenwek, the memories of Hannah’s last hours came flooding back along with a torrent of emotions. When we arrived at Tenwek, the boys stayed with friends while Steph and I walked down the hill to our home. I could still picture Hannah playing with clothespins in the grass and sitting on the sidewalk enjoying snack time with her brothers. As we walked up the stairs a brightly colored “Welcome Home” banner adorned the wall outside our front door. Walking in the door, my eyes were immediately drawn to the couch where Steph and I had spent the last couple nights of Hannah’s life – it was there that we had spent so much time playing, cuddling, eating snacks and laughing in our first weeks at Tenwek. It was also there that I began to resuscitate my baby girl when Steph frantically called out to me that night. But what I noticed on this couch was something new…something that wasn’t there when we left. It was a pillow that read “Jesus loves me this I know. Nothing can separate me from His love.” It was as if God was saying, “I know what happened here. I know it hurts, but it will be ok. I love you.” As we slowly made our way from room to room embracing the memories of what had been and what will be, we noticed that our Tenwek family had written various scriptures on colorful note cards and placed them on mirrors, walls, doors and the boys’ beds. Each verse spoke deeply and seemed to address the pain, the happiness, the sorrow, and the comfort that continued to come in waves. Bright pinkish (I’m a guy and I don’t really know colors beyond the basics. I’m sure the color has an official name but I’m going with pinkish) flowers sat on the windowsill in the kitchen. A brightly colored sign speaking of God’s mercies being new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) was in the kitchen as well. A small note from Joyce (our house helper) welcoming us home was on our dining room table. Each item was a gentle reminder that God loves us and continues to walk with us.

The pillow lovingly placed on our couch.

While Hannah’s sudden illness and death came as a complete surprise to all of us, He knew. He knew before Hannah ever joined our family that He would call her home from Kijabe Hospital in Kenya only weeks after we arrived in Africa. He knew that countless lives around the world would be positively impacted by Hannah’s brief time on earth. Returning to Tenwek, He knew that her daddy’s broken heart would need healing, especially walking back into the house and seeing the couch, her room, and all the reminders of her sweet life. He knew…and He has once again provided.

The boys are adjusting well. Honestly, they have jumped right back into life at Tenwek. They love running around, climbing, wrestling, and just being boys here. Many mornings they go into Hannah’s room and play with her favorite doll and her tea set. On numerous occasions they have discussed with us how much they miss their baby sissy. They continue to grieve appropriately in their own unique ways.

Steph and I are doing as well as can be expected also. We have been staying busy thus far with unpacking, organizing, homeschooling, potty training, and doing various projects around the house. As expected, some moments are harder than others. We have been slowly going through Hannah’s clothes, cloth diapers, etc. to determine what we will keep and what we will give away. We came across her favorite pink shoes that she loved trying to put on by herself. While reorganizing the bedroom I found her card from Kijabe that has her patient number. Hard moments.

Noah loving on sissy’s doll.

There is never a bad time for a light saber duel.

Playing with sissy’s tea set…naked.

Movie time + snack time + Lego time = awesome time

But along with these difficult times come good ones. Watching the boys run and laugh and play. Receiving unconditional love from our fellow missionaries. Thinking of how happy Hannah must be now. Seeing God reveal His love for us in new and unexpected ways. And we know that there will be many more good moments to come.

One week ago we boarded a plane with most of our family to return to a beautiful country with beautiful people. We came back so that we could continue to serve God in whatever capacity He allows. It’s difficult to know what the next days, weeks, and months will bring. While our journey back to Kenya is over, our journey to healing has only just begun. It is a process that will not be fully completed until we see Jesus face to face…with Hannah standing next to Him ready to show us her new favorite shoes and doll.  I can’t wait to hear her sweet little voice say “dada” once again.

From one of the cards placed in our home.  Isaiah 54:10. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Thank you doesn’t seem like nearly enough after the outpouring of love and support that we have received. I wish that I could have the opportunity to thank everyone in person or at least send a note to everyone but it just isn’t possible. There are just too many people involved and many have supported us anonymously. So while it is painfully impersonal, please accept my sincerest thanks through this post.

It is still hard to believe everything that has transpired in the past several weeks. There are still moments when I wake up and I forget…at least briefly. Reality soon sets in however and the emptiness that Hannah’s death left us with returns. But the amazing thing is…soon after we receive an e-mail or a Facebook message or a card or some other reminder that we are not alone in this. Ever since the news of Hannah’s sickness and death, we have been absolutely overwhelmed with love and support. We have been firsthand witnesses to how the body of Christ can surround and care for someone who is hurting deeply. And we have been so humbled to be the recipients of this love.

In a few hours, we will board a plane to return to Tenwek hospital in Bomet, Kenya. We will do so with heavy hearts but we will not hang our heads in defeat. Rather we will continue on, knowing that God is good…even in the darkest of days. We will continue with our mission to reach a lost world knowing that death and the grave have been fully and forever overcome by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ! We also go on knowing that it is only because of Him and those standing along side of us that we have made it this far.

As we leave, I would like to present you with a challenge. It may take you out of your comfort zone a bit. It may require some level of sacrifice. It may even change your life. Steph and I have spoken with so many people that have expressed a desire to have a faith like ours. It is possible and that is exactly what God wants for you. My family is not a bunch of superheros (although we do dress up and pretend sometimes). We are the same as every one else…but we have released our lives to Jesus and His leading.

So here is the challenge…if you have never accepted the gift of salvation that is only available through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I would challenge you to explore the truth claims of Jesus. Read the Gospel of John and challenge God to reveal Himself to you. Expect to hear Him and then listen to what He says. You will never regret this decision!

If you are a Christian who has surrendered your life to Jesus, then I have a challenge for you as well. Serve Him better. We all can. I don’t know what that means in your life…that’s between Him and you. Seek out those whom you can serve. Don’t turn away from the pain and suffering of others. Instead enter into that pain with them and walk them through it. Help them to shoulder the burden and carry them to Christ. Impact the world in Jesus’ name. Will He ask you so say goodbye to someone you love…probably not. Will He ask you to give up something that you hold to way too tightly….maybe. Will He walk with you every step of the way, hold you close, and shower you with His unending love…absolutely!

For those who think that they are not worthy to do this, I want to assure you that neither Steph nor I am either. And from what I read in the Bible, we are in pretty good company. Here are a few examples. For the sake of time, I won’t detail each person’s story…I’ve included some verses/chapters so you can find out more if you would like.

Noah appears to have had an issue with alcohol (Genesis 9:20-21)
Jacob was a chronic liar, schemer, and manipulator (Genesis 25-37, 42, 45-49)
Moses had a speech impediment (Exodus 4:10)
Rahab was a prostitute (Joshua 2)
Joseph was abused and abandoned (Genesis 37)
Jonah ran away from God (Jonah 1-4)
Gideon was afraid (Judges 6)
The disciples fled in terror (Mark 14:50)
Peter denied Christ…three times (Mark 14:66-72)

So many people in the world are hurting. Many people don’t know or understand who Jesus is, what He has done, or what it truly means to be one of His followers. The fields are ripe for harvest (John 4:35). Lets get out there and spread the truth!!

This is my prayer for you. Father God, I thank you for showing your great love to my family through your people. You are the great I Am, you are the beginning and the end, you are helper and healer. Move powerfully in the lives of those reading this. Reveal yourself to them in new and unmistakable ways. Draw them ever closer to you. Raise up your people to reach the lost and dying. Give us your eyes to see the hurting. Give us your heart, broken over those who don’t know you. May we be living sacrifices to you, willing to follow you wherever you may lead us. Thank you for Hannah’s life and for the impact she has had around the world. Thank you for what you have done and will continue to do. Amen!

Again from my entire family, asante sana (Thank you very much!)

It doesn’t seem possible but we are only days away from our return flight to Kenya. One month ago we returned to the U.S. with heavy hearts as we prepared to say out last earthy goodbyes to our little girl. We have been so blessed in our time back in Pennsylvania. Our family has been showered with love, prayers, support, and gifts far beyond what we could ever deserve. Because of the generosity of others, we, as a family, have been able to take some small trips to visit with family/friends, we saw the Noah production at Sight & Sound Theatre, and we even had a chance to go to a hotel with a pool (this was Noah’s only request as soon as we told him that we had to return to the states).

Noah got his pool time.

One of the gifts we received was going to Giggleberry Mountain at Peddler’s Village. The boys (and the adults) had a great time!

Had a chance to stop at September Farms near Lancaster. Some of the best cheese ever!

In these past several weeks we have begun the long process of healing, but is still a struggle as we start to “move on”. For some reason, these last several days have been particularly hard for me…I’m not really sure why. Each bag that we pack seems to be another reminder that we are that much closer to our return to Tenwek…without Hannah. We have known ever since Hannah’s death that we would be taking this step. Before she died, Steph and I vowed that this was not going to keep us from our work in Kenya. Our daughter’s death did not revoke our calling to missions. If anything, it has strengthened our desire to whole-heartedly serve Christ in whatever capacity He calls us to. But the pain is real and is an ever-present reminder of the fallen nature of this world.

We all look forward to seeing our friends/family at Tenwek. We have missed them terribly while we have been in Pennsylvania. Going back will hurt as well though. It will mean saying goodbye to our family/friends here. (A painful reality of being a career missionary is that you are always saying goodbye to someone you love.) We also will have to re-enter the world where this nightmare occurred. I tear up even thinking about walking back into our home…her room…her empty room. I can’t even begin to think about walking up to casualty right now. I had so enjoyed my morning walks up the hill to work. Now ever step will be repeating the path I took as I carried her. I’m not sure that I will be able to walk into casualty, the ICU, or our CT scanner without reliving the events of that night. And I don’t think I will ever be able to treat a patient in bed 6 without seeing her lying there.

I have often found that music has served as a means of comfort when life is difficult. This has been the case for mankind probably since Creation. One song that I have always enjoyed is entitled “The Love of God”. The third verse in particular has always struck a chord in my heart. (The song is a hymn that was written in 1917 but that third verse is different. The hymn writer actually found those words penciled on the wall of a patient’s room at an insane asylum. That patient was only repeating what they had heard before as that stanza had been written about 1,000 years earlier by a Jewish songwriter.) The third verse reads like this:

Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade.
To write the love of God above, would drain the oceans dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

Countless people have sung this song over the millennium. The Biblical truth that it proclaims remains just as true now as it was the day that it was penned. God’s love for us is vast and endless. Even when we feel lost, alone, discouraged, dejected, or crushed by the weight of the world, God is there. He always has been…He always will be. His love hasn’t changed and His promises endure. Todd Agnew has written a version of this song that is a little less “upbeat” than most. I have always found it to be one of my favorites though…no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in, these truths remain unchanged. Here is a link to his version: http://youtu.be/oIAH_Atw-ms

As we finalize our plans to return to Kenya, I have a few specific prayer requests. Please pray that as we speak that we will speak with the grace that He has lavished on us. Pray that we will represent Him with a joy that only He can provide. Pray that no matter what the world may throw at us that we will remain faithful and vigilant to His calling on our lives. Pray that through the work of the missionaries and staff at Tenwek that many others may come to understand the immense love He has for all of us…pray that they would accept this gift and the salvation that He offers through it. Thank you for walking this road with us.

We had a fun family photo shoot to create a comic book that Noah wrote. It was hard not having Hannah there with us. Family photo just isn’t complete anymore.